Ways to decrease familial tension-Finding Your Nemo

Ways to decrease familial tension

Make a Routine

• Clearly establish a routine teenagers can rely upon. Dinner time, homework time, quiet time and, most importantly, bedtime.
• Routines help a teenager reduce anxiety by providing structure and creating a consistent schedule they can rely on at home.
• Routines help teenagers feel more secure and allows them to develop a sense of control and comfort at home

Clearly establish a routine teenagers can rely upon. Dinner time, homework time, quiet time and, most importantly, bedtime. When considering bedtimes, it is more important to consider wind-down time prior to ‘in bed, lights off.’ The older your teenagers get, the more you can extend this. Even better, the more privilege you can extend your teenagers as long as they… (take out the trash, help with dishes. etc.) This will help your teenagers manage their anxiety by creating a consistent schedule they can rely upon at home.

Work Together

• Consistency between parents is key. Hearing different messages from each parent is very confusing for teenagers. Demonstrating a united, consistent front helps  minimize splitting between parents and reduces a teen’s anxiety by removing the tendency to attempt to manipulate his/her parents.

Inconsistent parenting is very confusing for teenagers. Wrong or right, it is better to demonstrate a united front. This not only minimizes splitting between parents, but will further serve to minimize teenagers’s anxiety by taking away a child’s tendency to try and manipulate their parents.

Supporting Independence and Self-Reliance

Encourage Independence

• Encourage your child to try things on his or her own, take measured risks, and do things for him or herself.
• Encouraging independence does not mean you can’t be supportive, but it means that you shouldn’t take over or do everything for your child.

Avoid Giving Excessive Reassurance

• Being supportive is key to helping a child feel safe and comfortable. But excessive reassurance can work against your child’s sense of independence and confidence
• Help your child work through his or her own questions by providing examples of how you overcome problems or challenges.

Although it is tempting to want to do things for your child, especially when he or she tends to be nervous and fearful, it is better to let kids do things for themselves! How else will they learn the skills and abilities to cope with life? Encourage your child to try things on his or her own, take some risks, and do things for him or herself. This can include giving him or her responsibilities around the house (cleaning own room or setting the table). It can also include helping your child brainstorm ways to deal with problems or difficult situations (such as how to handle an argument with a friend or make up marks at school for missed assignments). Encouraging independence does not mean you can’t be supportive, but it means that you shouldn’t take over or do everything for your child.

It can be hard not to give your child reassurance, especially when he or she is scared or anxious; however, giving constant reassurance prevents your child from learning how to cope on his or her own. Teach your child to answer his or her own questions. Model how you think through problems or challenges, which helps your child learn to do it him- or herself.

Consistent Parenting

Give Consequences

• Set clear expectations and limitations
• Establish clear consequences for inappropriate behavior (such as losing television privileges for not completing chores). Discuss these consequences in advance with all family members at a calm time.
• Follow through on consequences.

Be Supportive

• Remember that adolescence can often be scary, stressful, and intimidating.
• Remind your child that it’s normal to have fears
• Let your child know that he/she is understood and communicate that you’re open to talk about feelings

Although your child may have problems with anxiety, that does not give him or her the green light for inappropriate behavior. It is important that you set expectations and limits for your child, and follow through on consequences for inappropriate behavior (such as losing television privileges for not completing chores). Set clear limits and consequences for inappropriate behavior, and discuss this in advance with all family members at a calm time. Teenagers are happier when they know the rules and what happens when they break them! Be sure to give rewards and praise when your child is adhering to expectations.

Recognize that it is difficult for teenagers to face their fears. It is important not to laugh at your child or minimize his or her fears (for example, “don’t be silly” or “you’re being stupid”). Rather, let your child know that it is normal to have fears (we’re all afraid of something), and that it is possible to “boss back” your fears. When your child is upset, make sure to listen to him or her, to send your child the message that it’s okay to talk about feelings. Let your child know that he or she is understood, and help him or her figure out ways to cope with upsetting situations (for example, “I know you feel scared to go to Pam’s place by yourself, but you’re working on getting comfortable being away from home. How can we make this easier for you?”). It can also be helpful to use some humor when dealing with the world. We all benefit from finding the humor in things and being able to laugh at life’s mistakes.

Nurturing a sense of self-efficacy

Build Self-Confidence

• Find opportunities/activities for your child to feel proud of his/her accomplishments.
• Praise your child by increasing responsibilities or freedom to instill a sense of not only their own capability, but your belief in them.

Set Realistic Expectations

• Setting expectations is key to reducing a child’s anxiety. Expectations provide a framework for a child to build their sense of safety and stability.
• Help your child break down goals into smaller steps that he/she can accomplish, always taking steps forward, even if the steps are small.
• Set high expectations, but let your child go at his/her own pace, making sure to praise accomplishments along the way.

Encourage Independence!

Although it is tempting to want to do things for your child, especially when he or she tends to be nervous and fearful, it is better to let kids do things for themselves! How else will they learn the skills and abilities to cope with life? Encourage your child to try things on his or her own, take some risks, and do things for him or herself. This can include giving him or her responsibilities around the house (cleaning own room or setting the table). It can also include helping your child brainstorm ways to deal with problems or difficult situations (such as how to handle an argument with a friend or make up marks at school for missed assignments). Encouraging independence does not mean you can’t be supportive, but it means that you shouldn’t take over or do everything for your child.

Build Self-Confidence!

It is important to praise your child for his or her accomplishments and for facing fears! Involve your child in activities that help him or her feel proud. Find activities that reinforce that he or she is good at something (sports, music, or art) and helps instill a sense of belonging and pride (such as cadets, scouts or girl guides, school helper). You can also give your child responsibilities around the house and let him or her be in-charge of something at home (for example, making sure the dog gets a long walk everyday).

Realistic Expectations

It is important to have expectations for your child and help him or her meet those expectations; however, understand that an anxious child will have some trouble doing things, and may need to go at a slower pace. Help your child break down goals into smaller steps that he or she can accomplish. It is important that your child is taking steps forward, even if the steps are small. Try not to push too hard or too fast, but let your child go at his or her pace.

Responding to Stressful Situations

Reactions

• Manage reactions to your kid’s stress. Model a calm demeanor, this will reduce the intensity of the moment. Try not to overreact. Remember how difficult adolescence can be and stay rational, calm.
• Speak in a slow, calm, tone of voice and maintain good eye contact.

Dealing with Reactions

• Remember to take time for yourself.
• Even if you’re feeling anxious, tired, or stressed, try to present a calm, united front. Teenagers take cues from parents on how to behave and react to a situation.

Reactions!

Although it is important to be understanding and caring, do not overreact or let anxiety trick you into thinking that something is too hard or impossible for your child (for example, thinking it’s too hard for your child to sleep alone). Keep things in perspective. Yes, it might be challenging, but it can be done! On the other hand, sometimes we have a hard time understanding our child’s anxiety or why something is so difficult for him or her. When we don’t acknowledge that our child is having a hard time with anxiety, the child may try to hide it (and suffer alone) or the symptoms may become more pronounced, in order to get the attention he or she needs.

Dealing with Reactions

It can be very difficult dealing with an anxious child. Make sure you manage your own reactions. Do some things for yourself (call a babysitter, run a hot bath, read a book when the kids go to bed, talk to a friend about how you’re feeling, go for a walk, or whatever helps you keep a positive perspective). Remember the basics: eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise! Also, give yourself permission to take time off. You can’t be helpful to your child if you don’t take care of yourself. You also need to be careful not to pass fears on to your teenagers. Try to present a neutral reaction to situations and let your child know it’s safe to explore things.

Reducing Stress in the Household

Take Risks

• Trying new things and taking risks help teenagers build confidence and develop necessary skills for their later independence.
• Encourage your child to try new things and lead by example!

Avoid Avoidance

• Anxious teenagers tend to want to avoid challenges.
• Encourage your child to face fears head on by suggesting small steps to accomplish toward a bigger goal

Take Risks!
Anxious teenagers need to try new things and take some risks, in order to build confidence and develop the necessary skills for dealing with the world. Encourage your child to try some experiments, such as making a phone call, talking to an unfamiliar classmate, or asking a question to a store clerk. Remember, you can model brave behavior by trying new things too!

Avoid Avoidance!

Anxious teenagers tend to want to avoid things that cause them anxiety. Although avoiding things temporarily reduces distress, it also allows fears to grow and makes things more difficult in the future. Avoid letting your child avoid things. Instead, encourage him or her to try things and take small steps towards facing fears!

Suggestions on How to Manage Your Own Anxiety

Role confusion

• A child needs a parent much more than a friend. Successful parents ensure follow through on consequences, are firm and consistent in discipline, and establish clear expectations.

Make room for mistakes

• Failure is a natural part of adolescence and growing up. If something doesn’t go well for the child, it doesn’t mean you have failed.  Rather, watch for ways to turn mistakes into teaching moments. Help your teen develop the ability to learn from mistakes.

The benefits of learning the hard way

A recent study from the University of Buffalo speaks to the issue of whether too much hovering over a child can be bad for her. Researchers looked at people who had been through difficult things, and they found that, on the one hand, going through very traumatic experiences does not bode well for one’s long-term resilience, but, on the other, going through almost no difficult experiences also does not bode well for one’s resilience.

Role confusion

Wanting to protect a child from suffering is also the reason why some parents tend to be very poor disciplinarians.  If you are very identified with your child then it’s painful to discipline them because you are standing so much in their shoes that you feel like you are disciplining yourself. Hence all these parents who are sort of being the friend and not the parent.  But you know, kids have got friends; they really need parents, and parents are the people who say, “No, and this is the consequence if you do the thing that I said you can’t do.”

Limits

Having parents who set limits enables kids to internalize their own moral compass. They learn to say to themselves some form of, “No, I really can’t do that; that’s my limit.”  And the flip side: “Oh, I did this thing wrong, now I feel guilty and bad, and I have to make reparations.” If you didn’t provide any of this kind of training, it’s going to be harder for them to set limits for themselves.

Make room for mistakes 

And, finally, for parents who have invested heavily in excelling at parenting, who’ve made it a big part of their own self-image, there is the risk that if something doesn’t go well for the child, it means you have failed.  It’s something to watch out for, as you try to do your best for your kids: you don’t want them to be afraid of failure more for your sake than their own.

The Benefits of Learning the Hard Way

Parent’s feel a visceral drive to protect their children. They do not want them to suffer, HOWEVER, parent’s tend to look upon their kin as being far more fragile than they actually are.

• However, the experience of overcoming a challenge, solving a problem, or standing against hardship was an invaluable part of your life, and will be just as crucial In your child’s life. Avoid answering every question, solving every problem, worrying every conflict.
• All teens need the opportunity to discover their own resiliency.

Five Beliefs That Make It Impossible For Parents To Let Go Of Their Anxiety

Fear of asking for help

• Successful parents don’t necessarily depend on others, but great parents are always willing to help out one another.
• Trade favors with other parents to reduce stress. Offer to help other parents and see that asking for help can go a long way.

Successful parents don’t necessarily depend on others, but are often willing to trade favors. They may ask for help driving the kids to soccer practice in exchange for taking over weekend carpool duties for other busy families. When parents feel assured their teenagers are in good hands, they’re able to be more productive at work. Example: pitching in to hire a housekeeper to tend to the chores that often go undone.

The need to split time equally

• A characteristic of successful parenting is the mutual acceptance there will be times when family will need more attention and times when a career will demand more energy. Value each other’s efforts and validate one another’s initiatives.
• Try to stay flexible and evaluate progress on a regular basis

Balance is not as simple as working 6 hours a day and then tending to child care 6 hours on days off. In truth, it is not really possible to achieve a balance between career and teenagers. A characteristic of successful parenting is the mutual acceptance there will be times when family will need more attention and times when a career will demand more energy. Value each other’s efforts and validate one another’s initiatives. Flexibility is key. They evaluate their progress and determine where they need to devote their attention on a regular basis. When their work-life balance seems off-kilter, they readjust to meet the demand – meanwhile, always maintaining the strong boundaries for their families.

All parents have to neglect themselves

• Parenting isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. Successful parents know that taking care of themselves helps their efficiency and productivity.
• Find time to exercise, rest, and relax. Being overwhelmed, overtired, or overworked can make it difficult to meet the challenges of parenting head on.

Airlines understand this point, and repeat it often to ensure everyone’s safety. In the event of an emergency you should put your oxygen mask on first, before assisting anyone else. If you don’t take care of yourself first, you won’t have anything left to give. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, overtired, stretched too thin, exhausted and just barely keeping the pretense of your imagination of a successful parent, it would feel selfish and reckless to find some “me time.” The reality is, when you are experiencing these feelings it is the best time to fit in some “me time”. Parenting isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. Successful parents know that taking care of themselves helps their efficiency and productivity. Rest and relaxation are important to living a healthy life, but it is not bad to sacrifice one or the other to include even a moderate amount of consistent exercise. This can be as simple as a brisk walk after dinner, or making a point to park a quarter of a mile from work to ensure you get a 1/2 mile walk everyday.

Parents should always make their kids happy

• Parents who achieve a successful work/life balance don’t live and breathe to make their kids happy. Instead, they strive to raise responsible teenagers who will grow up to become responsible adults
• Successful parents are not their child’s friends, but rather much more. They are role models, educators, and lead by example.

“Parents who achieve a successful work/life balance don’t live and breathe to make their kids happy. Instead, they strive to raise responsible teenagers who will grow up to become responsible adults.” While difficult to accept, until your teenagers are adults your role is not to be their friend. You are the parents, they are the teenagers. You have the life experience and wisdom, they do not. A secure attachment pattern is more psychologically beneficial than feeling like your child likes you. Once this role is accepted, parents are far more willing to ask their kids to help out around the house. They can assign chores, display responsibility, and do so without nagging or yelling. “They establish clear consequences and aren’t afraid to follow through with them. They role model hard work and allow their teenagers to experience disappointment.

Feeling guilty about working

Almost all parents face the challenge of supporting their families financially while devoting energy toward parenting.

Rather than feeling guilt, focus attention on working with your partner, or any member of your support group, to make a plan to solve the problem.

Many parents – in fact most people – would prefer not work full-time. The simple fact is very few families have full-time, stay-at-home parents. Don’t waste time and energy on guilt over the fact that you have to work to support your family. Instead, focus your attention on working with your partner, or any member of your support group, to make a plan to solve the problem. Working parents should not assume they cannot be quality parents. Successful parents focus their spare time and energy on raising their teenagers – not wishing they didn’t have to work. If it helps, consider the impact of demonstrating responsible, consistent roles for your teenagers. The child who sees their parents properly model that life is a dynamic balance between choices: some fun, some boring, but that they are all choices.

Additional Resources

This Emotional Life

• PBS’ miniseries on emotion and mental health spawned a website that continues the conversation, in addition to a robust resource list searchable by location and topic.

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry

• AACAP’s website has a wealth of information on child and adolescent psychiatric disorders, as well what the organization calls “practice parameters”-a description of best practices that should guide psychiatric diagnosis and treatment for young people in the US. AACAP also allows parents to search its members with its psychiatrist finder.
• “To Screen or Not To Screen?”
• The Game is Playing Your Kid Post published by Ryan Howes PhD, ABPP on May 18, 2015 in In Therapy
• “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
• A communication tool kit for parents that emphasizes cooperation and mutual problem-solving; updated.